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break silence

maybe i should break my own silence, despite not feeling ready. i keep wanting to be here. but my mind always follows up with, ‘but you’re not in the right space yet’…

but, why should i perfect myself before revealing what is happening inside? i am struggling right now, it’s true, despite everything being completely okay, and even amazing. besides, i know exactly how to get back to where i want to be. and that’s by doing all of the things that are missing right now – having let go of sadhana…allowing the tide of depression overtake the precious treasure of daily practice…

i think sometimes when you get exactly what you’ve been waiting for, the moments of unexpressed difficulty, impatience, and pain that have lead up to that moment begin to fill a rising tide. i’m finally in a safe, nourishing, self-directed space for the first time since leaving canada and i think that, ironically, this may be why i’m feeling so down.

or, maybe it’s just the nascent tide of yearly depression that comes with the season.

regardless, i’ve been feeling more keenly the challenging aspects of living away from home. of being on my own. of the desire to move gracefully through throngs of staring, unknown people – when inside i feel like doing random, absurd things in response. like the other day, when i stood by a chaat stall, and a good 30 people watched my every bite. while i pretended i didn’t notice, and my brain cycled through different, outrageous responses, none of which surfaced to break the ice.

the true benefit of right now is that the social experiences i am having are pulling back the thin veneer of social competence that i so dearly construct! and the challenge of pushing through the barrier of flesh and space to actually say, ‘hello’ feels so huge, the difficulty of it literally begs to be addressed.

the good news is – i finally have my panjabi lanugage classes set up (once a day, monday to friday from 11am to 1pm). i am staying in a beautiful little apartment with my own kitchen, bathroom and entrance. the family i’m renting from is very loving and generous. chandigarh is relatively easy to navigate. and i have a new computer on which to pound out my ma thesis. and the best news yet – i still have two months to learn as much as i can. to take advantage of the opportunity before me, from which to launch into my future.

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