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choice

i have been struggling to pray recently. a challenge with implications for every corner of my life has swept in, and i have felt a disconnection from God, and a separateness from my own practice of devotion. these are the moments we are always preparing for – the storms that reveal the necessity of strength and groundedness. but i feel no strength in me, only fear in the face of an impossible decision. an awareness of my separation from others as it sinks in that i alone am responsible for making this choice, and no amount of facts, or dreaming, or discussion can alter the innate sense from the beginning of what it is that i should do.

how to be, when you know what to do, but don’t feel the courage inside to carry out your choice?

actually, more and more i have felt that it isn’t us who choose choices, but that it is choices that choose us. and that it is our challenge to live up to those choices in the best way that we can. to carry them out with dignity and courage.

i don’t know if i have it in me. if i can face what is required of me. but, maybe that is the one prayer i have in me at this time – that God grants me the courage and dignity to carry out what i know in my heart to be right. and that i may return to Him in my early mornings to continue the bond that we began, to continue that build up of strength and grace that life requires.

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