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happenings

is there something that occurs before a change? it seems too abrupt, too over-confident to claim ‘change,’ but i do want to share something about happenings and shiftings that have been popping up…

i have a one-hour commute on public transit to and from work and during that time i will usually read bani or sit in silence. i usually like to sit. the first couple of times i felt shy, but the impersonal nature of the subway actually helped me to let go of whatever i imagined others were imagining about me. i usually emerge feeling floaty and blissful by the time i get to work…

so there is often this sort of immediate effect for me when i consciously connect with God through these practices. but other things are happening, too. for example, i still regularly cringe in response to my own behaviour in relation to others (usually due to some lengthy pontification on some subject that i’ve decided to embark upon…), but inside it’s almost like i’m not fully committed to the motions that my outer self is going through. like the capability to be more present, to listen more, to bring more curiosity to my interactions with others is there, but i’m just so used to the habit of being certain ways that i don’t see the option of not-doing-the-same that is calmly sitting there, offering itself to me…

and then there is the feeling overall that even my own self-critical-ness is losing strength, as the force of some version of perfection that i have held myself up to attaining starts to look more sad then aspirational. more damaging to myself and others, then any kind of real route to self-improvement.

perhaps it’s too trite for me to say how much gratitude i am feeling. how relieved and overwhelmed and amused and unbelieving i feel through this process. i guess that’s the upshot of this path – the gritty reality of waking up at 4am helps ground you whenever you start to get all floaty and care-bear about Sikhi :).

however, i do want to say – thank you for reading and for being ‘here.’ how amazing and strange to be able to share with all of you in this way…

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