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Archive for the ‘india’ Category

india on the horizon part II

i’m going to India for six months, and am submerged in preparations – a graduate program to apply to, an article to revise, a paper to write, a passport to renew, a visa to apply for, funding to coordinate, tuition to somehow pay in the absence of $5000…boxes to pack, friends to visit, family members to reassure, body to strengthen in preparation for new viruses, new bacteria…

it has been easier to give in to overwhelm-edness, even though i am filled with excitement as well. in order to go with the flow i have had to regularly step back, breathe, and then consciously connect with Guru Sahib, before diving back in.

and then, there’s the stream within that whispers, “India, India, India.” and the vision that keeps me steady is me, sitting on the plane, no more planning, no more rushing – just the essential surrender that will be required from that moment onwards as i let go of control over where i will be when, what i eat when, how much sleep i will get when, how much people time/alone time when…

virtually my entire life right now is seemingly governed by my desires and needs, but when i’m there it will be six months of being a guest in the small homes of those i meet, and in the big home that is India – the country.

not that desire isn’t shaping this trip. desire for change is there, as well as the desire for movement away from some things, and towards others. to experience: the newness of myself in a new place, the newness of others around me, of different spaces and perspectives. different lives and dreams of attainment. fundamentally, the desire for continued self-movement within the spirals of human connection – of self-and-other-evolution. maybe this could happen here. why leave? another, smaller voice asks inside…

for so long now i have seen leaving by people like me to ‘do work,’ ‘development,’ and even ‘activism’ as part of the problem. and now i find myself here – funded to leave. and i hope i never fall under the illusion that i have anything to offer that cannot be offered more effectively, more efficiently, less destructively by someone there (except that, by accident of birth and the intentional violence of colonialism – i will be the one funded to live, work and learn there). my only hope is that my presence and interactions will provide something that moves towards balancing everything that i will inevitably take.

and then there is the hope that all i do end up taking – including, especially, everything i learn from the women that i will be working with – will somehow contribute towards that balance, by informing my work and research once i return to canada to the benefit of communities here.

maybe i need to let go of the idea of balance all together. i cannot re-make the world, eliminate or even transform each damaged piece i see. but i can walk the path unfolding in front of me as best as i can. breathing life and love into the pieces that i do have the blessing and opportunity to shift.

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