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indulgence

these past few days have seen a return to a kind of ‘normalcy:’ a past life, a previous way of existence. lots of eating out, rented movies, late nights, sleeping in. my sister came down for the weekend, and all the pieces of me that belong to our relationship unfolded. it is the absence of self-consciousness that i experience around her that helps me to see how hidden i normally am with other people. with my sister really bad jokes dominate (sorry sis :), and i couldn’t have asked for a better way to let go of the processes that i’ve been processing.

i feel more in my body. less floaty. hmm, yes, less dramatic, too. i look forward to continuing with sadhana, of returning to that flow. but i also appreciated the opportunity to let go of the effort that the scheduling of my life requires from me. the containers of disciplined practice that i craft pull me through a lot, but i also notice a need to slip out every once in a while and let my body and desire guide me.

a similar cycle occurs for me with food – after enjoying the clean energy and nourishment of wholesome food the need to indulge creeps in. it’s generally self-limiting – after a few days i can feel the impact, and i willingly return to my dietary mainstays.

through time i’ve noticed that the times of ‘indulgence’ have gotten shorter, and the nature of them is more benign, too. it feels important to let them come in, and then let them go when i’m ready to return to my practice. this process feels similar to the discipline of zen meditation – it’s less important how often one’s mind drifts away, as is the willingness to return again and again to the breath.

this weekend i’m attending my first sikh retreat! i can’t wait to continue with my learning, and as much as i have appreciated the developing cyber sangat (you know i love you all!!!), i’m really looking forward to meeting other kaurs in real time, to learning and sharing together, and receiving the support and motivation to return to my practice once more.

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