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vow

i have taken vows for the first time in my life. after discussing the possibility with my mom, she shared with me that the only commitment she had ever made on behalf for her future selves was when she got married. i’ve tried to never speak on behalf of my future selves (perhaps it would be more honest to say – i have never had the opportunity to give myself to something so great as to be worthy of them). but then, suddenly, it was happening, and both past and future selves collapsed into a single me. the ground beneath time’s marching feet disappeared, except for the second it took for me to say, ‘yes.’

i received several warnings that i would be challenged most strongly after i received amrit. indeed, in the months since, the beauty and power of the experience has shone a painful light on the accumulated, unconscious behaviours i have inherited and developed over a lifetime (and perhaps for longer). now that i’ve committed myself to something greater then me, more then ever before, unconsciousness is no longer an option. blending into the background and becoming pre-occupied with what i imagine to be the perceptions of others is no longer an option. apologizing for my own existence is past now.

none of these things have ever served me. but now, when i indulge in them i don’t just betray myself. i betray my connection to the Divine, as well.

the overwhelming challenge has been facing my own humanness, my own smallness and fragility in the face of this gift. i have already failed countless times, have felt the sting of my heart breaking in the face of the small betrayals that I myself inflict.

it’s strange how the heart becomes heavier the more pieces that break off. but i feel that this is a testing time. i trust that facing myself in the eye is the necessary pre-requisite for the mountain climbing ahead.

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